I think we lawyers need kisses now more than ever, and those trusty old air kisses just aren’t cutting it. With the picture of air kissing now firmly at the forefront of your minds, we need to engage in some wishful thinking and conjure up a delicious little recipe to get those air kisses to reach human skin. Real. Warm. Human. Skin. Yes, let’s ponder this issue for a moment. How do we reach the desired kissable state? All the way from killable? Tall order. By the way, I would like you to carefully note that I’m not going for the whole ‘irresistibly’ kissable outcome. Irresistible? Way too far, people. I do have my limits!

To kick off, we need to start by taking a long, hard perusal of our good selves; to check out the chattels, if you will. We need to evaluate what we’re working with here. What I have noticed, and the odds are favoured that you have too, is that the typical stereotypes slip into conversation whenever lawyers are mentioned. So much so, that at a gathering of non-lawyers, you catch yourself replying to the occupation question, saying “Oh yes, I… ‘er… am in sales”. Tell people you’re a lawyer and you’ll get the case of how their best friend was screwed over. Or you’re regaled with that other gem that you are too expensive to talk to. Either way, you know it’s preferable to feign some other job description to avoid being negatively pigeonholed.

By most accounts, we’re top of the leader board in the professional unpopularity stakes, and for various reasons, which I think you’ll agree need not be listed. According to that very reliable opinion of the ubiquitous person on the Clapham omnibus, we have been deemed exclusive members of the most despised profession in the world. And the cruellest part is, we worked our fingers to the bone to get our hands on that membership. The adjectives I’ve heard to describe certain individuals would make a gynaecologist blush.

Then, there’s the cliché that has all lawyers look ‘avariciously’ the same in soulless grey Armani suits. That bothers me a whole lot, because: a) I just don’t do grey; and, more importantly, b) I want to be known for strutting my stuff in my favourite leopard-print stilettos. The stilettos of salvation, I fondly call them.

Then of course, and probably most importantly, there are the somewhat gloomy stats I could recount on how the profession is suffering from varying forms of malady. Understandably, you probably don’t want to use your valuable time reading, for the umpteenth time this week, that x% of us are staring aimlessly at the empty bottle of red and y% wonder why they didn’t just accept that full-time position at [insert favourite chocolate shop here].

Whilst the dilemma we lawyers are facing are not exclusive to our profession, they are exacerbated by its adversarial nature and by the way we have been trained to deal with the issues put before us. We are trained to see both sides of an issue but must vigorously attain victory looking only at our client’s side of the coin, no matter their ilk. How is that supposed to work in the real world? When doing so, we then address our opponent using the word ‘friend’. FRIEND? Me thinks not! No wonder people think we have none. We all know that it’s gone pear-shaped, and the only time I personally want to know more about these discouraging numbers is when they have decreased. Significantly.

In case you missed the memo, we are broadly being summarised by the outside world as cold, heartless, armour-plated, money-grabbing machines. Too many of us, in turn, have reacted by losing our zesty will to get up each day and face our own nemeses, the machines we have become. We now seem to have two battles: fighting for our clients, and more often than I’d like to see, we are fighting for ourselves. And that can, as I see it, only result in the death of a fine profession. As a good deal of us are figuring out how to embellish our resumes and turn the words ‘money grabbing machine’ into

‘professional of intrinsically high value’, it’s clear we have work to do on ourselves and to the reputation of the profession as a whole.

So, let’s get on with it and raise our Kissability Index, both for the benefit of ourselves and our clients. “But how can this be done whilst we’re wearing our shiny grey suits of Armani Armour?”, you quite reasonably ask. Well, I’m happy to show you and then I’ll have to kill you. This is, after all, a covert operation if you care to recall. Oh yes, hang on, I’m trying to avoid the whole killing bit, aren’t I? Particularly as the term ‘non–harm’ is a principle I adhere to as best as my human capabilities will reasonably allow. Believe it or not, I am human.

Seriously though, I’ve been fossicking around for answers to this very important question for around the past seven or so years. I’ve studied some real science (not that imposter science) along with some now very reputable ancient philosophies. I’ve gathered up and collated additional credible research gleaned from other smart cookies such as academics, hypnotherapists, psychologists and other most duly qualified individuals all to help you gain ready access to the kissable creature you really are. You are just temporarily buried under some armour plating.

Read more here

Extracted from “Let’s Kill Kiss All The Lawyers!… said no-one, ever”, Zen Publishing pp 19-21